Wednesday, July 31, 2019

What Is Your Love Language?

We all are unique in our own way. We look different, we talk different, and most importantly we love different. We all have our own way of expressing love and receiving love.When you share deep intimacy, passion, and commitment with someone, love develops. If you have experienced love you know it's a beautiful feeling, but sometimes not a good feeling if you can't express love. I had to learn my love language and learned how to pay attention to others love languages. 
 You can't fully love a person if you don't understand what their heart needs.

Singer and song writer Kehlani has a song titled "Love Language". In the song she starts off singing

"A lot of ways to love you
Teach me through your eyes

What is needed for you?"

Check out the 5 love languages from Gary Chapman's book published in the 90s. This book has sold more than 10 million copies. I got this book off Amazon and it was such a learning experience. Learning how you love and accept love could help improve the passion in your current or future relationships, even the ones non romantic.

Words of Affirmation
This language is all about voicing your love to the person. This is actually my love language. Telling me how you feel about me, and saying heartfelt things is the key to my heart along with the next love language on the list. Those small compliments you think are nothing means a lot to a person who has this love language.  But remember people with this love language may start to feel insecure.  They always need validation on where they stand in your life.

Acts of Service

We all have heard the saying,
This love language means exactly that. Don't just say you love me, prove it. This love language requires effort. This is the main love language people struggle with accomplishing. Your partner hears your words of affirmation, but your actions are not showing that. They have to see your kindness, and commitment to accept your love. 

Receiving Gift

I hear alot on how this next love language is materialistic. This love language is fine if that person has other love languages they need. This love language means gifting that person. You can take your girl car to get new tires. Or you can cook your guy dinner. This person wants something ssomething from you to know you still care.

Quality Time

People with this love language enjoy your company. Time together they want not interruptions. So leave your phone in your purse, or pocket. With social media, people with this love language have a hard time getting through to their partner. Understand they are not being selfish. If that person is not getting your attention their minds start to wonder. Engage more with these type of people.

Physical Touch

Last love language on the list involves physical affection. This doesn't involve just sex. People with this love language loves your kisses, and hugs. You may have a partner who holds you like a hostage at night. They feel love through touch. So those love hugs means alot.

Find out your love language

My results:

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

The Self Reflecting Woman

I am one of those people who can easily read people. I see the good and bad in others very well. I am very intuitive. I can sense a lot about people sometimes by just observing and watching them interact with others. That can sometimes come off as judgmental. People confuse being intuitive with actually being judgmental. If you rush to a negative conclusion about someone without actually talking to them and learning about them, you're judgmental. Many people are so critical of others and not themselves.

I can also read myself very well and study my own past behavior. The moment I became a woman was when I opened up to myself. Sometimes we are closed minded to ourselves because we are scared to know the real us. When you learn about who you're, it will help you handle situations better. You evolve by self reflecting.

One of the things I recently learned about myself was about my relationships. I am very spiritual, more than I am religious. If you don't understand what I mean, after this post go check out this article.


I go to spiritual advisers about certain aspects of my life. One told me "Kayla you can't make people do and feel how you want them to feel." I remember reading their response back and thinking, wow that was harsh! In reality I had to reflect and see the true meaning of that observation. Sometimes I tend to feel like a person should be obligated to treat me a certain way because I decided to treat them that way. Even with my communication. I am upfront, a bold communicator. I tend to judge others communication skills, if its not like mines. I have been looking for the perfect guy who does things like myself. Instead of the right guy for me and learning to understand his way of  doing things. Next,

I self sabotage my own relationships. This is a brave statement. I even heard Iggy Azalea admit this about herself:

 Every relationship I have ever had, has ended because of me. I tend to look for things that aren't there. I will lurk for things until I find something on a guy. Its like I'm scared of the possibility of getting hurt, so I find something bad in others to give me a excuse to leave before they actually do hurt me. I know that's deep, but its a self reflecting moment for me and its my biggest flaw. I really had to look at this certain situation I am in now. His indecisiveness scares me so bad I found myself picking him apart to friends about little things. It's like I was trying to find small bad traits to overshadow the good guy he is. I really had to check myself before I ruined the chance to see what could happen between us.

Even being in denial about liking him. I ended up calling him and getting a service not reachable message and go so worried about him since he was traveling for work.  Part of this problem is trust, yes I know.

We all have to self reflect on our past decisions and ways to understand who we are and why we react the way we do. Its all apart of self improving as a individual. You have to notice your amazing qualities but also be real enough to see your flaws, understand them and work on them. You can't always just self reflect and not work on your inner you. Some things near improvement because it's effecting your own life in a negative way. Once you actually look in the mirror and see who you are and get to know you, your life will change. You will be able to take control of your life because you now know the person you have to spend everyday with, yourself?

Monday, June 10, 2019

Trust Issues

You may hear people jokingly say "I got trust issues". Normally when I say it people never really take it serious until a incident happens. Any of you who struggle with trust may know the feeling of always being anxious. Or always feeling like somebody is trying to hurt you. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves.

Then you have those people who are in denial. They don't believe they have trust issues but they can never fully give a person their all, or in fear of being taken advantage of. Here are some serious signs of trust issues.

  1. You always assume someone is out to hurt you, or get you. No matter what they do. You have negative thoughts in your mind about them. Even without them actually betraying you.
  2. You are overly protective. Every good thing in your life, you self sabotage it, out of fear of getting hurt.
  3. You distance yourself from getting to know people. The easiest way you avoid getting hurt is staying to yourself.
  4. You don't easily forgive. Once a person crosses you, they are done for life. Even if you are unsure you still cut them off just to make sure.
  5. You look for the bad. People with trust issues always seem to look for the bad before it begins. It's a way to stop the bad from happening before it begins.

People who don't struggle with trust never fully can understand a person with trust issues. You can feel sometimes hurt by being judged or misunderstood for your actions. Betrayal is a life damaging thing, especially when its done by a spouse, friend or family member. That deep hurt follows you and never seems to leave. Your mission is to never allow anyone to hurt you again. Its like constantly walking around with a bullet proof vest on your heart.

My trust issues run deep going back to my child hood. Having everyone around me constantly lie to me. Then it lead into toxic relationships. Where  men lied so much, then tried to cover the lies up. I would fall for the lies all over again. I remember spending 4 years with a guy who lied so much about his cheating. I was so dumb I would actually believe that those girls who wrote me saying "he my man" were actually lying and trying to break us up...

I recall on our 4th year this one particular girl came into the picture.

You can read more about this situation here: karma-is-btch .

I kept asking him was he messing with her. He denied it. I remember crying to him and he literally looked me in my eyes and said she was lying. I remember I told the girl send me proof, because I don't believe you. I woke up with a message from her. She sent me a picture of her sitting on his lap at his sister house in her living room. Yes y'all, a picture of them together.

I called him right after going the hell off. I remember balling in tears, and he still was denying it. His entire family had even lied to me when I would ask them. These people smiled in my face but knew all along. They would call me "sis". That man took all the trust I had when we broke up. Each guy I dated I would investigate them just to protect myself before catching feelings. Soon as I found something questionable I would end it. Then I went though a stage not even dating for a while. It was my way of trying to avoid possible getting hurt again. All the signs of, TRUST ISSUES!

People who have trust issues normally ruin good opportunities out of fear. Getting over this is not easy. I still struggle with it, but I am learning that you have to find someone worthy and can prove that everyone is not the same. To conquer those trust issues you will need a strong support system. Trust means putting confidence into someone or something. Also building self esteem in yourself can help overcome this. Most of all having confidence in yourself. Take all those bad situations and trust your instincts. We know the signs now, let's make better decisions on who we allow in our life. I'm not saying we will never possibly get hurt again,just be fearless and take a risk in order to find out.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Understanding The Mind Of A Man

Men are really simple but complicated at the same time. They don't want much, but what they do want they normally don't say it. Perfect example is having him text back ,OK. Men are not emotionless. They feel, and they care. Their communication is a lot different from us ladies. If he says its good, maybe its not good and you should attempt to figure out what he is thinking. Let's be honest now. Men really hold back allot to avoid arguments and hurting our feelings. I have gathered some ways to help us figure out exactly what they want from us.

1.To Be Left The F**k Alone

Ladies some of you really know how to push a mans buttons. Your guy may work long hours or he is busy. You may be wondering why he is so quite. Its because he needs time alone. All day long he is hearing from you, and probably not pleasant things. So when you finally see him, he appears to have a attitude. He just wants a day or few hours to be left alone. Men need quality time to themselves too. Pay attention to his lack of engagement in a conversation. Some women want to be under a guy 24/7. He had a life before you, and its important you both have have individuality. He still cares about you but maybe you're starting to smother him. He probably wont tell you that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. So back off give him a night with the boys.

2. Step Inside His World

Most men are heavy into sports. Sometimes guys want you to try the things they're passionate about. Every time he watches ESPN you probably complain. Instead of complaining join him a few times and try to learn the game. Whatever his skill or passion js take interest in it. Everything doesn't always have to be about you.

3. He Is Hard Up

Your guy wants you to take control and ride it like a stallion sis.

His mood swings and short patience probably means he is wanting some sexual attention from you. Instead of him initiating it, how about you take control. Now I know this may be hard especially for the ones like myself who are submissive in the bedroom. But just pay attention to the freaky remarks he says. Feed your guy sexually appetite without him having to ask you sometimes.

4. " Can I Speak Now"

When men do express their feelings, it is important to listen. You will be surprised to know how many men feel l
they can't talk to you because you don't listen. We talk to be heard, but we have to be able to listen. If you notice he doesn't engage in deep conversations or checks out. Ask yourself why? No man wants to listen to how you feel and not be able to express their feelings. Moral of the story, girl shut up and listen.

5. Keep the Peace

A lot of guys want peace. Sometimes we have baggage from previous relationships and bring it into new ones. Men don't want to constantly be arguing or questioned. It's a headache for men to even want to be around you in fear a argument will start. Try to keep the peace and let petty stuff go.

6. "There Goes My Baby"

Men love to show their girl off but you gotta be worthy of showing off. When its date night maybe get sexy for your guy. Get out the leggings and get dolled up a little more than often. Yes he loves you, but he deserves to see you in your best instead of leggings and a hair wrap. Its important to love yourself, but if you're in relationship, remember to take care of his needs too.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

"Mothers Love" #HappyMothersDay

Happy mothers day to all the mothers in the world. Whether you were in labor for 12 hours, adopted a child, or have step children you love as your own. Today is probably one of those days that all moms finally feel appreciated. Being a mom is one of the biggest accomplishments you will ever have in your life. You birthed a child, you take care of another human being. Its not as easy as it seems. Babies want to put everything disgusting in their mouths, kids love to attempt to run out in the middle of the street soon as you look away for 3 seconds. It's hard trying to keep them healthy and alive but we do. Its a mothers love that can't be taught.

I remember finding out I was pregnant in 2012. I don't recall whether I cried of disappointment at that exact moment but my biggest fear was telling my mother. Being a 21 year old newly single college student barely paying the bills the last thing I needed was a extra mouth to feed. I remember calling my mom and I said" I'm pregnant". My aunt was in town at her house visiting and I heard my mom go silent. She was leaving to go into a private room. First she asked "what are you going to do?" I said keep it. She said," okay we will figure it out." It was only a few weeks after I had found out my boyfriend was cheating on me and he moved out our apartment while I was left with all the bills. The fear I had being in Atlanta all alone, pregnant. Working part time and in school full time. Throwing up for hours at night. Having to get up early that morning to go to class then work. I always say my daughter was a miracle child. The amount of stress I had during that pregnancy and still had a healthy child was a miracle.

No one taught me how to be a mother. What I did know was that I wanted my child to be happy and have her mother. I didn't want anyone else taking credit for raising my child. That's just a mothers love. To provide & protect. You don't know how you will do it but the love you have for them is what helps you do it. I am here queen she tells me. She wants to be just like me. So everything I do, every decision I make is because of her. Some people look at us and see the rainbow, but no one saw the storm it took to get to that rainbow. See children only see their mommy. No matter what else is going on they see and love their mother.

Happy mothers day to all you beautiful mothers out there. I always have a special place in my heart for single moms. We play the role of mommy & daddy. Its not easy but its definitely a challenge.